June 20, 2021

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Seth Meyers Calls Trump the ‘David Blaine of Crime’ – The New York Times

1 min read

“All lack of facts aside, insiders have said that investigators are looking into whether the stated value of properties owned by the former president were manipulated in a way that defrauded banks and insurance companies, and if any tax benefits were obtained illegally through unscrupulous asset valuation. Well, of course they’re unscrupulous. This man has never scruped. Investigators better bring an unscruper scooper.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“In addition to being a potential crime, ‘unscrupulous asset evaluation’ sounds like something Trump would put under ‘interests’ on his Tinder bio.” — SETH MEYERS

“Now, it’s no surprise the formation of this grand jury did not sit well with Clownigula. He put out a long internet post calling the investigation ‘a witch hunt’ that was ‘purely political.’ Not purely — it’s also emotional and spiritual. Every one of my chakras wants you in jail.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“But how can he say it’s political when he’s no longer in politics? Well, according to Politico, simple: float another run for president. Besides, as one aide put it, ‘He’s missing being president terribly.’ It makes sense: He did spend four years being president terribly.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“If Obama were under investigation, we would be talking about that, too, but he’s not. The only news Obama makes these days is showbiz related. In fact, if you hear about Obama investigations, it’s probably a new show on HBO Max.” — SETH MEYERS

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